


I miss you.

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Character Death, F/F, Kara Danvers Needs a Hug, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Protective Kara Danvers, Sad, Sad Kara Danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24657856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Mature, Graphic, and VERY Sad. Slow descend into madness, depression, self harm, and destruction of emotions and mental health.Not for the faint of heart.What would you do if you had to watch the love of your life die? Watch your soulmate crumble to pieces infront of you? What would you do?
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 9
Kudos: 104





	1. "I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys :)
> 
> This is my first ever fic!!
> 
> Sorry its an angsty one, i've been reading fics for so long, but I got this idea and I really liked it. Hope u enjoy 
> 
> <3  
> J

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol just realized after uploading chapter 4 that chapter 1 never had any notes. Lol
> 
> Before you read, no there is no smut, no one is resurrected, no one 'gets over it'
> 
> There is minimal fluff, mentioned in flash backs, but thats all. There is talking of Karamel, but nothing really happens.
> 
> This is overall just a vent fic. 
> 
> <3

Yesterday. It felt like Yesterday.

_"i love you." Lena confessed, her chest heaving, she sighed, staring at Kara with wide eyes and red cheeks. "What?"_

_"im so in love with you.." she confessed again. They sat in Lenas office, what started as a lunch, ended up taking a turn for a romantic side, and Lena couldnt bare to hear another word about Mon-el. She had to shut Kara up somehow, but this wasnt necessarily the best way._

_Kara swallowed her spit, biting her lips and averting her eyes, a blush creeping up her neck, she felt her body tense at those words, felt her stomach twist and curl with an anxious-yet welcomed-feeling that never happened around her boyfriend._

_Kara closed her eyes and sighed, her throughts running wild, she didnt know what to do. One moment, she was talking about the date she went on, the next, Lena was confessing her love, still staring at the blonde, waiting for the blondes answer._

_"i-i think i- need time...to..........process." Kara spoke softly, looking down at her hands in sheer awkwardness, her face a flustered mess. "Y-yes of course." Lena managed after a long silence, her head aching, her throat throbbing, the heartbreak and pain of watching Kara leave without reciprocating the words, without reciprocating the feelings, it hurt her, but what should she expect? Kara seemed perfectly fine with Mon-El, Lena just couldnt keep lying to her bestfriend...._

The pain and terror in Lenas voice still shook her three days later. She tossed around in her restless sleep, her dreams becoming reality. What she really wanted in that moment, Lena, which she couldnt have, and it only made the tears fall from her clenched eyes faster.

_"lena. Lena open the door." Kara demanded panickly, her hands shaking as she clenched them, trying to calm her raging nerves. She knocked a few more times hastily on the penthouse door, before it opened._

_"Kara," Lenas voice softened, along with her eyes. Kara stared at Lena, the same feelings erupting from her stomach, she tensed her brows, watching Lenas facial expression dart all of the place, from confused, to excited, to doubtful, and even flustered. "What are you-"_

_The kryptonian didnt give Lena the chance to answer, however. She didnt think she'd have the words. Instead of words, she used movements, and so, without giving Lena the chance to finish her sentence, as Kara stepped forward as fast as she could, cupping both of Lenas cheeks, she pressed their lips together, awkwardly tilting her head to really kiss her._

_Kara felt as if she overstepped a boundary, as she got no response from Lena, the woman freezing from shock, but if it wasnt for the pounding in Lenas chest, and the new smell of arousal in the air, Kara would have surely guessed that Lena didnt like it._

_Kara pulled away, staring awkwardly at the brunette, biting her lip, she sighed, but not for long, as again, Lena sucked the air in, attaching their lips in a more passionate embrace, kissing deeper, her lower stomach fluttering as she heard Lena close the door, slowly backing Kara against it, deepening the kiss as the the blonde pressed against it._

_"I've always wanted to do that..." Lena mumbled against Karas lips, and the blonde felt a new feeling she never had. She sucked her lips in, her heart beating rapidly, she stuck to her guts-all-be-it, biased-feeling, something she hoped she wouldnt regret._

_"What else have you wanted to do?" Kara asked, rendering Lenas mind numb for a few moments, before her eyes blinked and a new shade of Lena came out, smirking, wide-eyed, a new look in those forest green iris's, a look of passion, desire, pure lust._

_Kara hadnt had sex like that ever. Her stomach clenched in the pain as she remembered every feeling. Every stretched muscle, every moan, groan, hickey, kiss, tug, whisper, even down to the exact number of orgasms. That night was perfect._

Kara bolted upright in her bed, wetness on her cheeks from her tears, and an embarassing amount between her thighs. She shakily looked over to Mon-el, who was fast asleep in his boxers, _Lena had a similar pair..._ Kara thought, before wiping her eyes of the tears, her pillow completely drenched in them, she decided to take her sleep to the living room, but as the night passed, she didnt sleep. She just squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, trying to stop the heartbreaking feeling of watching Lena, and her limp body.

Tomorrow was the funeral, and she couldnt sleep. She couldnt. She kept thinking and thinking and thinking. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of Lena.

The kitchen

The bathroom

The living room

The bedroom

The fire escape

The dining room

The closet

The doorway

Everywhere. It was if Lenas ghost was haunting her, constantly there, watching her, which only made her more upset.

The sun began to peak over the horizon, and Kara couldnt stay inside anymore, she needed air, or she might collapse. She let out a shaky breath, her face falling flat as tears began to fall from her eyes, but Lena didnt bat an eyelash, letting them fall, she walked, _walked_ , outside, climbing the fire escape, she sat on the edge of the apartment, her legs dangling off, and for a brief moment, she wished she was solar flared, as if she fell, she wouldnt wake up.

She stared ahead, the L-Corp building becoming a familiar silhouette against the pinky-orange sky as the sun rose, and with everything she could muster, she spoke. "I need you...Lena..please.." her voice was weak, was shaking, the tears from her cheeks slowly dragging down her neck and wetting her tank top. She hadnt even changed out her pajamas.

Kara let out a painfully sad wry chuckle at her thoughts, ducking her head. "Rem-remember," she began, her voice cracking and her breath shaky, taking in harsh sniffles, she looked back up at the stars. She was alone, but she needed to talk to someone, but not anyone. 

"....when you would bully me for my care bear p-" Kara couldnt finish that sentence, as a deep and violent sob came creeping up her throat, and she forced her face in her hands, the tears still seeping from between her fingers.

No one understood. No one knew what they did, what they had. They didnt tell anyone, not about the kiss, not about the sex, not about the late night phone calls, not about the looks, the flirting, the feelings. Everyone, including Mon-el, just assumed she was upset about losing her bestfriend, but didnt know why it had such an affect on her, oh, but it did.

Kara grunted angrly through the croak in her throat, her eyes bleeding tears, she felt like she wanted to scream. 

They werent just 'friends!' They werent just 'besties!' They werent just 'game night partners!' They were lovers. They loved eachother, so deeply, they were willing to kill, to die, and as her thoughts raced, Kara tried harder and harder to not sink through the apartment roof, not to lose her cool, especially not as people began to wake up. This wasnt the time to be outed as Supergirl.

Kara wanted to hold her, to run her fingers through her hair again, smelling her rich and expensive soaps that probably costed more than Karas paycheck. To have Lena giggle as she wore Karas shirt, making breakfast for the two of them, oh, Kara wished she could go back.

"Its all my fault!" She whispered hoarsly, chanting the breath faster and faster, and without knowing, her eyes began to glow, and one sharp voltage of pain later, and she had her eyes wide, taking in the new feeling.

She struck herself on her thigh, a small burn welt inbedded in her skin, her heart skipping beats, worried someone saw, but that was the least of her concern, as in the next few weeks, she'd become accustomed to that pain

But it wasnt the next few weeks, it was three days after her death, and the scene replayed over and over in Karas head, her tears coming quickly, not for her thigh, but because of the pain in her heart.

She couldnt vent to anyone, couldnt talk to anyone, not that she wanted to, but if she did, she couldnt. She wouldnt. That would be a free ticket to losing everyone else.

You really want to know why she cares about Lena so much, Mon-el?

Because she cheated on you with her. Because she fell for someone who gave her everything. Who gave her, her everything. Because Lena was so deeply in love with Kara, that she was willing to ignore the blonde, if thats what made her happy. Because at every advance in their hodden relationship, Lena always asked if Kara was okay, if Kara felt comfortable with what was happening, with what they were doing. Because all it took was a text that was vaguely toned to sadness, and Lena was calling her, was telling her to come over, was making Kara her favourite comfort food. Because Lena actually tries.

.............tried......

Kara was almost shaking with anger and sadness, her entire body clenched as she tried to stop the tears, stop the painful scream that came belowing from her throat.

She fell on her back, staring at the faded stars that were taken away by the daylight. "I cant love anyone like i love you.. " she mumbled into the sky, the words not having a specific direction, only a destination, which Kara knew was impossible.

She sat up very quickly at the sound of Mon-el waking up. She tried desperatly to hide her pain, to hide her tears, and she must have done it well, for when Mon-el appeared from the Fire route ladder, he seemed confused, not because of why she was crying, but because she wasnt in bed.

"There you are" he mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "How long have you been up?" He asked, but kara didnt speak, just shrugged, shifting to stand up, she looked back up at the sky one more time, her heart sinking, she swallowed a large ball of spit, before climbing down the ladder, pushing Mon-El out of the way.

____

"Kara? Damn it. There you are!" Alex spat as the door opened. Kara couldnt help herself. She dressed herself in those same clothes. The same clothes she wore when they first met, standing on the balcony, she walked back inside the L-Corp office, Lenas office, at the sound of Alex's voice.

Kara didnt speak, she only stood just inside the doorway, her eyes staring around the office. Nothing changed. Everything was where Lena left it, even the planner that Kara gave her, which was tucked right beside where Lena usually had her laptop, the pen that Kara let her _borrow_ sitting on it still.

"Are you almost ready?" Her sister asked, watching as the sleepless kryptonian slowly pulled her gaze to make eye contact, a shaky sigh escaping her lips. "No" 

"What do you mean 'No?' Kara this funeral was your demand." Alex protested, her tone gentle, her eyes soft, noting the pleading look in Karas eyes. "Alex I cant go there and see Lenas dead body again! I watched her, I saw what happened, I am not going, If I do.....I dont know what I would do." Kara snapped, her throat beginning to stiffen, her eyes began to puff, and her nose began to clog up.

Alex dipped her head, bobbing it slowly as she did. "Kara, I understand-"

Karas blood only boiled hotter as tears began to spill from her eyes. "No you dont, Alex! You dont know how it feels to lose the woman you love! To watch the life drain from her eyes while she is in your arms! You dont understand shit!" Kara spat, stepping forward, her eyes beginning to glow from her anger, but she wouldnt use it on her sister. They quickly returned back to normal as Kara unclenched her fists, huffing a sigg on defeat, she forced her head backward till she saw the ceiling, trying to keep her tears in, the words she spat not even registering to her, which would have turned out fine, if Alex didnt speak.

"Im sorry, _the woman you love_?" Alex repeated cautiously, confusion and worry present in her voice, but all Kara heard was a taunt. "I dont want to talk about it. Im not going to her funeal. Alex. Thats final."

"Kara.....were you and-"

"Alex dont you fucking push me on this!" Kara spat, her eyes still crying as they expressed no other signs of emotions. Her once bright eyes grew dull, and she forced her way past her sister, slamming the door as she left the office, her cheeks beating hot from her tears.

Kara stormed out of L-Corp, Samantha Arias, the new CEO of L-Corp watched as she left, her stomach twisting. Lena had talked so much about Kara, she was brought into every conversation the brunette had, and all Samantha could see in Lenas eyes were pure love

Ultimately, Kara went home, knowing she would be alone, and although she didnt plan to attend the funeral, a she did pick out the outfit she would have worn, a navy blue suit that Lena helped her pick out.

_"are you sure?" Kara asked nervously. "Kara, its fine, I promise, my treat. Plus, you look really hot in it." Lena flirted, that familliar smirk tugging at her lips as she handed the cashier her card, then reaching for the bag as they walked out._

_Kara shrugged. She never really worn a suit before, mostly because of the cost, but Lena insisted, and Kara knew that the gesture would make Lena smile, would make her happy._

_The exact second the door to her apartment opened, Kara made a b-line for her bedroom, changing as quickly as she could into the outfit, she stood in the mirror checking herself out, before gentle arms wrapped around her waist, and a chin rested on her shoulder._

_"See, you look hot." Lena smirked, she had been watching the blonde change, which wasnt that big of a deal, and as Kara spun around, Lena attached their lips in a heated kiss, their tongues immiedietly slipping against eachother, but, as always, something stopped them._

_The front door opened, and Mon-els voice rang out. Thank god for the closed bedroom door, or that would have been trouble._

Kara smiled very sadly at the memory, her fingers trailed the fabric, her fingers found the pocket, which, she felt something. She dipped her hand inside, feeling cold metal, she pulled the strange object out, only for her heart to sink even deeper.

It was Lenas locket she wore. It was cliche, at least Kara thought so, but Lena insisted, wearing it everywhere. Galas, buisness meetings, to bed, to the beach, every where.

Inside, it was a tiny photo of Kara, one she hated, though. Kara was asleep, her face buried in the crook of Lenas neck. It was a morning after they had sex, and you could tell. Karas hair was ratted, and she had Lenas lipstick smeared all over her lips and cheeks.

Kara felt the pain ache in her chest again, and soon, her mind was changed.

____

She was standing there for more 30 minutes, waiting for the best moment, waiting for the tears to stop, which never happened, so she inevitably busted into the quiet funeral home, which was heard from the entre building, and she stomped down the hallway until she saw Lenas name, pushing the double doors open loudly, she stomped into the room, tears drenching her cheeks, recievig looks from everyone, mostly upset and dirty ones.

The blonde clutched the lockets chain in her hand as she walked down the isle between the chairs, the dark navy suit sporting her figure.

Samantha was speaking, her eyes red, but not showing as much as Kara, who kept her sobs silent as she approched the coffin, still staring at the floor, unable to look at Lena.

Until she did, and her tears weirdly stopped. For a moment, everything stopped. Everything was gone, she was gone, Lena was gone, reality was gone, and she felt nothing, for once, nothing.

Her eyes still had tears threatening , and with harsh whimpers and sniffles, she placed the locket in the suit pocket that Lena was wearing, her skin pale, her lips its signature red.

Kara could feel the scream building up again, and she gave Lena once last glance. "I love you...." she whispered. So quiet, so, so quiet, no one, but her, heard. With that, she found herself storming out the doors to the left of her, the sunlight seeping into the dull room, she remembered wiping the last of her tears as she stormed off, she let out a loud, crashing scream, even as her Supersuit began to unfold and she took off into the sky, she couldnt help the sob that came after.


	2. Sensitive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wadduppp famm
> 
> The last chapter was so cracked bro I cant-
> 
> ALSO im not finna pull a CW aight? Kara is actually gonna be affected without Lena *cough* *cough*
> 
> ALSO (x2) in this chapter, Cat still owns CatCo, and Kara is still in the midst of changing to becoming a reporter. 
> 
> Ty for the support tho

One week, since her death.... and finally, someone triggered her, the words echoing in her brain over and over again, making her breathe heavily and panic. Making her eyes gloss and her voice parched, it was terrifying to watch, but more to experience.

_For months they had been planning this attack, so Kara should have known they would have something up their sleeves, so when they found out that the two were hiding out in Morgan Edge's building, it set off alarms._

_Or so it should have, but it didnt for Kara, blinded by the love she had for Lena, she charged in first to the basement, her eyes burning deep holes in the door, her gaze fixating on the two eldest Luthors, staring as if a deer in headlights._

_They didnt seem surprised, however. If you are willing to break the law, willing to become a criminal, there is almost a 99% chance that Supergirl would find out, and stop you. So when the Mother-Son duo brushed it off nonchalantly, it made her angrier._

_Staring into Lex and Lillians eyes, ahe saw every insult, every nit pick, every argument, every beating, every punishment, that Lena had been given. Every ridicule and every passive aggressive threat, all present in their eyes._

_But Kara didnt care about that. Didnt care about the two Luthors infront of her, she cared about Lena, she cared about getting Lena out of their, the brunette somewhere hidden in the maze of a basement._

_Her ears rung with anger, her teeth clenched with fury, her fists balled with hate, she couldnt be bothered to hear their insults and blank threats, all she wanted was Lena. But as her throat closed up from the anger, it proved more and more harder to speak._

_"Where is she." Is all she managed, and she didnt even get an answer, as the rest of the DEO agents, including Alex and J'onn, bursted through the door, an annoyed look on the Luthors faces._

_Time and time again, they would conspire, get caught, thrown into jail, then break out, repeat. A never ending cycle, always dragging on and on, and it made Kara think that Lex was her nemisis, not Kal's._

_As she roamed around, desperately looking for Lena, she turned down a hidden hallway. One you usually wouldnt see, hidden from the shadows and curve of the walls._

_Kara started down that path, a window at the end, which looked into some sort of cell. That must have made Kara excited, because she ran full force, slamming on her heels._

_At the thud, Lena ran to the window, looking at Kara in her supersuit, ready to save her._

_"Kara!" Her voice wasnt as soft. "Do not open the door!" She warned, but it was too late, as Kara used her strength to break the lock, to eager to hear Lenas heed._

_"No!" Lena sceamed, as a hissing sound began. Kara glanced at the vent, a black smoke beginning to fill the room._

_Before she knew it, Lena pushed her out, the door slamming behind her, locking even if it was locked._

_"Lena? Lena what is happening?" Kara spat worriedly, banging as hard as she could on the glass, the material not shattering. Lena began coughing loudly, leaning against the wall for support. "......trap...." is all she could manage._

_Kara felt the tears burn her face as she hit harder and harder, her stomach twisting.. "no! No! No you'll be okay! No no this cant be happening!" Kara yelled, watching as Lena leaned against the wall for support._

_As quick as it started, the black smoke began to slowly disapear, but Lena was still hacking, the entire room being ripped of its breathable atmosphere._

_Kara began to sob as she kicked the door down, using her hand to cover her mouth, she pulled Lena out of the room, praying to every god in the universe, that this wasnt happening._

_Then thats how Alex found her, sitting on the floor, playing with Lenas hair as she sobbed, the brunette barely alive, barely speaking._

_"I love you." Lena hiccuped, before her breathing quickened and then stopped, the tears drying in her eyes. Kara let out an earth shattering scream, slammimg her head against the wall, she sent cracks all along the walls and foundation, making the building shake lightly._

_She pulled her knees up, holding Lena against her chest, she buried her face in the brunettes long hair, she felt that she couldnt breath, as her sobs became stronger and stronger._

"Kara? Kara?" A soft voice pulled, and the blondes eyes snapped open, she was a mess, gripping the kitchen counter with such force that she broke it.

Alex stood nervously behind Kelly, biting her nails. "Alright. At least you're out." Kelly breathed, scribbling something down on a paper, she turned around to look at her girlfriend. 

"Everyone, should probably refrain from saying that, at least until she is healed." Kelly calmly stated, Alex nodding, looking down, she felt so bad, if she knew what would happen, she wouldnt have said it.

"What? Saying what?" Kara asked, wiping her face, she had never experienced that before, it was horrible. She couldnt think, she couldnt move, she couldnt breathe, she just, she was there. She was watching it all happen. She could hear it all again. 

"Im- im not going to say it...." Kelly stated, but she scribbled down what Alex had said.. "im sorry. Im so sorry Kara, I didnt know..." Alex pleaded, but Kara shook her head, reaching for the paper that Kelly wrote on. "Alex, its fine..."

She read the words _I Love You_ written in Kellys beautiful cursive writing, which almost looked like Lenas, how she dotted her eyes and pulled all the letters together. Kara remembered the late nights and long lunch dates with Lena as she taught her how to read, and write, in cursive.

"You're handwritting looks like hers." Kara sighed sadly, that was all she got out of it, the actual issue completely brushing over her head, and her actions didnt go unnoticed.

"Ka-kara, you know what this means, right?" Kelly asked, tapping rapidly on the words, looking between it, and Kara, who stared confused, her face blank again, which became common, as, if she wasnt crying, she was blank. She couldnt seem to laugh anymore, she couldnt seem to sleep, couldnt seen to care about how she felt, she couldnt care about what she ate, what she watched, or even if Nia had beat her in gamenight.

With the shake of her head, Kelly sighed. "These words, whatever happened, I wasnt there, but whatever happened, you'll never be able to hear these words again, without feeling thag internal self lothing and anger and sadness. Kara this is bad." Kelly explained, but Kara stayed blank, aside from a deep sigh.

This would be the time where she would message Lena, ask her what she should do, and Lena would always give her the same responses.

'Baby this is up to you'

'You're so strong, I believe in you'

' _If you need me there, i'll be there._ '

Kara flinched in anger again as she slammed her palms down. "Then where the hell are you!?" She yelled, her voice breaking and her eyes warming with tears again, as she answered Lenas coursing voice that filled her head.

Kelly stared at the from across the island. "Where is who?" She asked, Kara giving her a look that said 'are you that stupid?' But Kelly knew, obviously, she had to know, Alex couldnt keep anything from her.

"Lena..." the words barely made it out of her mouth, but the other two women didnt hear, it was too quiet, even she couldnt hear it, but she felt her lips move and the voice trail up her throat. She felt the words leave, yet all they were filled with was hollow.

Kara closed her eyes, turning around, she crossed her arms and leaned against the broken counter top. "Please....leave..."

____

Kara stared blankly at her laptop, slouched back in her chair, she rested her elbow on the armrest, propping her head up with her palm, that dug into her temple.

Its been a month, and changes were beginning to come through, other people began to comment on it, but Lena and Kara promised not to tell anyone about them, obviously, and even after her passing, Kara will still respect her lovers demands.

"Keira, where is my-" Cat Grant began as she walked out of the elevator and towards her office, which Karas desk sat in front of. The blonde didnt greet her boss as she usually did, instead, she pulled her arm from holding her head up, grabbing Cat Grants coffee, which was still piping hot, and lifted up for Cat to grab

"Large tripple shot, two cream four sugar, double cupped, still hot." Kara cut her off, reciting the order she memorized from the two years working with Cat.

The older blonde stopped in her tracks as she grabbed her coffee, staring at Kara, who slowly spun her chair to face her boss. "Its thursday, I got it." Kara huffed, breaking eye contact and reaching into one of her desk drawers, waiting to hear Cat Grants heels walk away.

Which they did, after a quick remark. "Look at you, miss sunshine, all darkness." Cat quipped, strutting into her office, wincing slightly and surprisingly, as her coffee burnt her lips and tongue.

Kara shot a quick glare as she dug up the notebook, her favourite note book, and, from the circumstances, you can probably guess why. 

Lena bought her this as a gift for her earth-birthday, as they couldnt really keep track of her real birthday, since krypton was destroyed, but the gesture was still greatly appreciated, even if the note book costed more then what Kara made in an entire shift.

It had real black leather covers, the pages were delicate yet firm, a light yellow hue beckoned over the pages. Kara hadnt written anything in it, yet. She felt that she didnt want to ruin it, but with the next 20 minutes of free time she had before she had to run another errand, she decided to write.

She took the gel pen inbetween her fingers ever-so-carefully, not wanting to break the stationary, her strength was difficult to control when she was upset, but today, it was different.

She was upset, but she didnt feel like doing anything about it. She didnt feel like crying, didnt feel like screaming. But in the same sense, she didnt feel better, she barely felt hungry, barely felt the want to help the DEO, she just, didnt feel much.

She began to scribble what Lena always coaxed her. 'Write how you feel. Write what you cant say.' And here she was, a month later, and still taking Lenas advice.

_dear Lena._

_I have the book. Your favourite book. Its on my nightstand, whenever you come over, you can read it. Just knock, im always home....._

_Kara._

She didnt really know why she wrote it so small, why she wrote it as Lena wrote, small and cursive, it just came over her, and as footsteps approached from infront of her, she slammed the book shut, careful not to rip the delicate cover.

"Hey Kar," Winns voice began, and Kara looked up to him, exhaling deeply, trying to find the care she clearly didnt have, trying to seem interested in whatever Winn had to say, but honest-to-god, she couldnt find the care. Winn was her second closest friend, under Lena, but still, even if she knew him for so long, she still couldnt find the spark she usually felt when talking to him, couldnt find the interest, even if he seemed excited.

He was quiet, his face wasnt his usually happy, and it was clear to everyone else that Karas attitute and expressions were affecting the young man. He wanted his bestfriend back, this wasnt the Kara he knew.

"How are you doing?" He asked sincerely, the question caught Kara off guard, but she regained herself quickly, shrugging. "Still upset, but im managing." Her response was quieter, she only wanted Winn to hear, which he did.

The whole situation was depressing. Kara couldnt talk or vent or just relax, as she always went to Lena. She trusted Lena with even her darkest secrets, everything. From describing how she would murder someone and hide the body, to how she managed to break (and cover up) three laptops she broke at CatCo.

Lena knew everything about Kara, she knew how to help Kara if need be, how to soothe her stress, how to calm her down when she would go spiraling. Lena was the first to know of Karas panic attacks, and she knew exactly how to stop them, how to calm Kara down, so the blonde could relax and breathe. Only Lena

"Only Lena..." Kara whispered to herself, not trying to actually engage in conversation, just renouncing her thoughts, trying to find a away to ease the pain she felt in her chest. If Winn heard her, he didnt say anything, and just continued to speak.

"No, you're not. Kara I know you better than anyone here, I know something is wrong." Winns words made Kara want to scream. He doesnt know her, he knows nothing about her. He doesnt know what it was like, he doesnt know the terror and pain in her eyes as she knew she was dying. He didnt feel the Luthors legs gove out as he picked her up, he didnt feel Lenas body go limp in his arms. He didnt hear her last words, he didnt have every little thing remind him of her.

Kara stood up angerly, her chair shooting backward, hitting the filing cabinet and knocking it over, she let out an angry huff. "You dont know anything! Jack shit, is what you know about me!" She yelled, her fist folding around the collar of Winns shirt.

Everyone was staring, they knew better than to anoy Kara, and as the days stretched into weeks, she would get more and more agitated at everything. Once she stopped getting 'sorry for your loss' from her coworkers, everything began to run smoothly, even Cat Grant didnt bother her, well, not as much anymore.

She pushed Winn back, storming out of the office, she was too frusterated to patiently wait in the elevator, so she kicked the stairwell doors open, her heavy stomps being heard by everyone, even as she neared the bottom floor.

Cat herself came out of her office, pulling a glare to the man whose name she didnt bother knowing. "Great, tech guy. You just cost me my assistant. Tsk" she spat smoothly, rolling her eyes in annoyance, as now, she had to manage until Kara came back.

Which she didnt, Kara found herself flying around National City until she found the shore, sitting on the beach, she had her boots off, and she kept her feet in he water as she sat in the sand.

She looked up at the sky, watching a plane pass, the machine blockee out so many stars, Kara used to be able to name them all, and she would bring Lena here, and teach her. It was a common date night request, to have Kara take her to the pier or the beach at night, and learn all about the stars that she never knew of.

Kara zeroed in on the waves, ignoring the many cars that passed by, which turned to be a bad idea, as she felt a burning sting in her veins, one that was all to familiar, one that Lena knew exactly how to prevent, but without Lena here, Kara gave into the pain as dark red veins began to show through her face, and her head became fuzzy as the small voice that came out when she was annoyed, when she was angry, came to the surface, flooding her mind with painful thoughts as she no longer had control of herself, and soon, she became completely under the influence of the Red Kryptonite.


	3. Red Kryptonite Makes Her Feel.....?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo.
> 
> I really like how this fic is coming along. Maybe after im done writing this one, I'll write another? Of course, they would both be alive in the next one. Lol
> 
> Also this isnt gonna be some stupid cliche where she learns to be happy again. Bitch Kara is GONE. 
> 
> Anyways, tysm for all the support. I love you all, 
> 
> <3

Last time this happened, Kara was under the influence for barely 48 hours, so being under it for almost 4 days without anyone catching on started to toll on her, until one day, Mon-el decided the awful idea to argue with her.

"I just dont understand why you dont want to go on a date. Babe its been almost two months now, I think its time for you to move on.." Mon-el spat annoyingly, and Kara let out a souless chuckle, a joyless smile, clenching her teeth in pure anger.

She sprang up from the couch, weighing herself on one foot. "Excuse me?" She spat. She found herself having a low, furious accent while under Red K, but at the moment, she loved it.. Lena did aswell. She called it an 'unfortunate turn on' as Lena injected Kara with a liquid that seemed to make the Red K disapear.

"Im sorry. I know you two were close, but we havent had a date in-" Mon-el paused, trying to do the math in his head, but Kara had already done it, and as her veins pulsed with the influence, she became more furious by the moment. "Date?" She mocked, cocking her eyebrow. "We have never had a date, ever. Not once, and what do you mean 'move on?' Thats the most stupid thing ive ever heard." She insulted, the truth boiling in her veins

"Woah, Kara calm down. It was just a suggestion.... You've been so upset over Lena, you havent even acknowledged me most of the time, I dont know why, but I miss you." 

His excuse was pathetic to Kara, it wasnt a proper reason why, but she still felt her chest heavy and her hands ball into fists. She had so much pent uo anger, so much sadness, her legs ached from the burnings she gave herself, they were covered in small welts and burns in the shapes of perfect circles. All the same size.

"You want to know why?" She asked, cocking her head to the side. Mon-el shrugged and nodded. "Kind of, yeah." His voice reaked of annoyance, and Kara could only feel herself burn inside more. How dare he get upset! How dare he make himself feel like the victim!?

"You want to go on this date with me to bring Good Ol' Kara back, to make yourself feel better. Well guess what princess, its not going to happen. You will never be able to make me feel the same as I did before Lena died. You will never know how to fix me!" She stepped forward as she yelled, anger and depression just drenching every word she spoke. Mon-el gulped very loudly and stepped back. He had never seen Kara like this, obviously, and he didnt know what to do.

"I had to watch her die! I had to watch her the life drain from her eyes, I was there, she died in my arms! You know how fucked up that gets you? Do you know how much that strains my mental health, how much it hurt? How much it still does?" She spat, her volume lowering, but her tone spitting harsher. Mon-el stuttered for a response, but Kara continued. 

"And all you can think about is yourself. You said my trigger words and left, you had no fucking idea how long it took me to get my shit together after that. You dont understand how much my love for her made me feel. You just dont understand....

"I felt so... deprived, for attention, for love, for contact, that when she said she loved me, I knew it was for the better! When I felt the jolt of feelings go through me, I knew she cared about me. She took me on weekly dates. We had dedicated days to eachother. We had a schedule, we spent every living moment we could together, she put in her all, everything, she showed me she loved me, in more ways than one.

"She set the bar higher, all while we kept it a secret. Every kiss, every hickey, every date, and no one knew. Not even yourself." Kara laughed, watching the hurt on his expression. "You kept thinking to yourself that you were important, that no matter what you did, I would still love you, that I wouldnt leave you.

"While Lena was giving me _many_ reasons why she was important, why no matter what she did, I should still love her, that I shouldnt leave her, and everytime, she managed to make me happier and happier. From the first 'I love you,' to the last, and even after, no one, not even yourself, will ever match to Lena. So no. We arent going on a date, my expectations are already high enough, I dont need what sad excuse you have to raise them even higher" 

Kara crossed her arms, glaring at Mon-el, whose face contorted in many emotions, confused, guilty, sad, but most evident, anger. After everything that Kara just said, after it took her to get infected by Red k to express her emotions, he still spoke the most selfish thing that one could say in this situation.

"You cheated on me with Lena!?" He spat, making Kara sigh angrly. "Jesus, fucking, christ! Do you have ears!? Of course I did. Why wouldnt I? Why wouldn't I when she was the only one who knew what to do when I was sad, when she was the only one who could help me in every scenario!?" "Yeah, by sleeping with you?"

Those words pissed her off even more.

____

By the time the DEO got there, Supergirl had Mon-el punched out of the air and on his ass, his body limp against the pavement, the hot sun beating down, making Supergirl feel stronger and stronger. She slowly lowered herself on the ground, a good 10 feet away, making repeated 'tsk' noises as she walked over, the crowd around them on their toes, excited to see what would happen.

Mon-el picked himself up, swaying slightly and stepping back as he pushed himself up, straightening his back after a moment of gaining his balance.

"Supergirl!" Alex shouted, but her voice barely made its way into Supergirls ears, as the blonde kryptonian became overrun with anger, her veins bleeding a dark red glow underneath her skin, the tears in her eyes being unhidden as the light made them shine against her cheeks.

"You're- this-" Mon-el tried, his breath heaving as he stuttered, clearly out of breath. Supergirl cocked her head to the side, her semi-curled hair cascading against the black suit she designed for herself, which was basically a replica of Astras, but with the house of El sigil as a pin to hold the front together.

"Im? This?" She mocked, her hands finding her hips. Her voice just barely missed its breaking point, instead, it just seemed lower. She repeatedly tried to calm herself down, the last thing she wanted was to see everyone watch her break down again, as even under the influence, her trigger words would still be a threat to her.

"Supergirl!"

"This is ridiculous!" Mon-el spat finally, still dragging in deep breaths. "You're fucking insane, what happened? Why are you acting like this now? Is this still about Lena?" He asked in shock, still not understanding the depth of love Kara had for Lena, the depth of what they did, what they said, it only antagonized her futher.

"Supergirl!"

Supergirl grabbed the daxamite by the collar of his shirt, spinning around quickly, she tossed him against the ground, the pavement breaking underneath him as he skidded backward a few feet. "This has everything to do about her" Kara spat coldly.

"Supergirl!"

Mon-el groaned in pain as he was violently pulled up into the air, so far up, he could see the entire city looking straight down, the air was thin, but manageable, and he refused to look at Kara, whose eyes were burning red, even under the influence, the image of Lena dying replayed over and over and over again in her head.

"I am so in love with her Mon-el. Dont you ever fucking disrespect her again." Kara spat, her voice breaking as its hoarse tone came out, she had tears against and running down her cheeks, before dropping him, causing him to let out a loud, voice cracking scream

Kara dived soon after, punching him in the stomach with enough force to send him shattering down and into the pavement, making a crater with the collision, enough to really hurt him, to really fuck him up, but not kill him.

"Supergirl!" Alex screamed one last time, she was sobbing, but she hid it well, and finally, satisfied with her work, Supergirl took an interest in Alex's words, turning - while still floating in the air - to look at her.

Alex felt herself choke up as Kara stared blankly at her. "Im sorry" is all the brunette muttered, distracting Supergirl long enough gor J'onn to shoot her with the anti kryptonite gun that they altered to break down and remove both green and red kryptonite.

Supergirl fell to the ground with a loud thud, shaking the ground, and as Alex got the DEO agents to block the terrifying sight of the dark red smoke leave Karas body, the super gasping and hiccuping, she felt tears reach her eyes as she saw her sister like this. She was so strained from Lenas death, and Alex then knew that she wasnt joking when she said that Lena was the woman she loved, the woman she was in love with.

____

When her eyes finally opened, she looked around. Kara was in her apartment, but something felt different, maybe it was the extra clothes in her closet, or the different decor, but her apartment had a strange vibe to it, as if it wasnt hers.

She pulled herself off her bed and to her bedroom door, the aroma of fresh cooked food present in her nostrils. Eagerly, she opened the door, her eyes locking onto the platter of breakfast foods that was on the kitchen island.

"Ooh!" Kara chimed, assuming Alex came to make her breakfast, and she felt, happy? She felt contempt, she felt as ifmnothing changed. She felt the warmth in her chest, the tingling in her stomach, the burning sensation on her lips, it felt so nice, so familiar.

As she reached out to grab a piece of bacon, a familiar, pale hand slapped her wrist. "Nuh uh, im not finished" her voice rang out like a melody, and Kara froze for a minute, the voice soundly deathly like.... but it couldn't be..

"Lena?" Kara asked, scared to look up, but as she did, she met the Luthors bright green eyes, her dark hair cascading down her shoulders, and to her barely covered chest. "Obviously, who else. Now wait until im finished." Lena said, as if it wdre a stupid question, before changing her tone and gesturing to the platter.

Kara still tried to process this all, she felt her hand slap her, she felt the pressure, she saw it, she heard it, Lena was there, was actually there, dressed in a loose tanktop that barely covered her breasts, and Karas boxers, making breakfast for the both of them, like Lena did after the first time they had sex.

"Im- you're- this is real?" The question wasnt meant to be answered, it was something of an answer itself, to soothe Karas swarming thoughts as she pinched herself, trying to wake herself up. Lena was.... Lena had..... Kara watched her..... in her arms...

The memory soon started to fade, and Kara couldnt remember Lenas death, only that she saved the Luthor from almost dying, her mind and body enjoying seeing Lena again.

"Of course, babe." Lena smirked, rolling a shoulder back, rolling her eyes and smkrking in a flirtatious way, as she always did when she was flirty, when she was turned on, when she wanted Kara. The slow blinking, the lip bites, the sensation grew deeper in Kara, this had to be a dream, right?

"So I was thinking," Lena began, using tongs, she turned around and began to put the bacon on the platter, a small spot with paper towel was reserved for the meat. "You said that you have never had a bath before," Lena was dragging the sentence for a long time, but she was right, Kara never had a bath, barely even understanding the concept of a bath. Why would you just soak in water until it turned dirty? That just didnt seem sanitary to Kara.

The blonde shook her head as she eagerly waited for Lena to finish arranging the platter, her mouth watering at the sight infront of her, and no, she wasnt looking at Lena (for once.)

Lena smirked as she went to walk past her. "Thats how you look when you see me naked." Lena playfully joked, causing Kara to blush bright red, before the Luthor leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss to Karas lips, or at least, she tried to.

Suddenly, a bright blue light began to glow in the living room, and then, the light began to swirl, as if a portal, and out stepped a tall red head, stumbling as stepped out, the portal closing behind her.

"What the hell?" Kara spat, the woman coming to resemble her sister. "Alex if you wanted to come in, you could have used the door." 

Her sister stared at her, clearly distraught, looking around as her eyes found and landed on Lena, who had begun plating two plates of food for the both of them. "I shouldve figured," the woman remarked.

"Excuse me?" Lena shot back, feeling Alex's glare on her. To two had this awkward tension, when around eachother, throwing passive-agressive insults at eachother, glaring at eachother when the other wasnt looking, or just flat out giving dirty looks, and Kara could never figure out why.

"Kara this- you have to come with me." Alex begun, reaching for her phone, but Kara could only step back, Lenas arm wrapping around her waist. "No"

"Kara this isnt real! You are in a coma! This is just your imagination!" Alex explained, she had everything she needed to say memorized, but even if that didnt help, she knew how to get to Kara, how to truely get to her.

"Shes lying." Lena whispered, her arm around Karas waist tightened, pulling the kryptonian closer to her body, Kara letting her, not entirely trusting her sister at the moment, which was rare, and strange, as she always did, but Lena was there with her, so she had to be fine, she had to be safe, right? There was no possible way that Alex was right.

After a few long stretches of arguing and petty yet passive insults being directed between Alex and Lena, the older sister finally snapped, as she neared the time limit she had, or else she would be trapped there to.

"Damn it, Kara! Dont you remember, Lena, Lena died, you were heart broken? You're traumatized by the words?" Alex hinted, and it made a spark in Karas memory light up, but it was still blurry, and disappeared as quick as it arrived, causing the blonde to shrug.

"I love you!?" Alex spat desperately, re-opening the portal, watching Karas expression change. Thats when Kara felt it, saw it.

Lenas arm was no longer felt around her waist, it was now around her neck, her body was felt in her lap as it slowly went limp, and the numbing feeling began to overtake Kara again, and with a final, weak smile, Alex walked through the half-closed portal, cutting it close, and Kara watched, her knees buckling and she became dizzy, her eyes closing again as she fell to her knees.

___

This time, she jolted upward, gasping as tears drenched her cheeks. She was in the DEO, and she frowned. Her happiness wasnt there, the warmth wasnt there, the tingling wasnt there, the burning sensation wasnt there- Lena, wasnt there.

Karas head cranked towards Alex, who began to remove the transmitter headwear from her head, placing it on the pillow beside her.

"Why did you wake me!?" She spat, anger fuelin her bones. Even if she was in a coma, even if it was just her imagination, she was happy, Lena was there, and she didnt feel like shit. She didnt feel the guilt, she didnt feel te weight, in there, she was Kara, just Kara. Not Supergirl, not Danvers, not even Zor-el. She was just Kara, enjoying her morning with the love of her life.


	4. Date the Diary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall this shit blew up so quickly wtf
> 
> This is the last chapter of this book so yeah  
> Dont worry, i already have an idea for the next book, and will probably be posted very soon.
> 
> Also fyi the dates in this chapter is made up cause idk what the year was when Kara was still cat grants assistant, so im just gonna use 2019. 
> 
> But again, ty for all ur support. Cant thank yall enough
> 
> <3

_1- 18 - 19_

_I miss your New Years parties._

_-Kara_

_1 - 20 - 19_

_I really want to see you again._

_-Kara_

_1 - 21 - 19_

_I went to your office today to interview Samantha, and she has a bookcase of all your belongings. Just letting you know._

_-Kara_

_1 - 30 - 19_

_Hey.... Today was upsetting, I wish you were here to help, you always have great advice._

_2 - 6 - 19_

_Its still so hard. I love you._

_-Kara_

_2 - 14 - 19_

_Remember when you took me to canada? That was nice. I miss our cabin. I might go back, but it wont be the same._

_-Kara_

_3 - 17 - 19_

_Its been so long, im so busy, this must be how you felt._

_-Kara_

_3 - 18 - 19_

_Please tell me this is all just a dream....._

_-Kara_

_4 - 1 - 19_

_Sometimes, Alex brings you up, and its hard, I wish you were here ♡_

_-Kara_

_4 - 5 - 19_

_Has it been long enough? I feel like im bothering everyone with being upset, im still upset. Its been almost a year now, and I still cant get over it. Please come back._

_-Kara_

_4 - 25 - 19_

_I need you_

_-Kara_

Everything she had written flashed in her mind as she watched Kelly read, she was skeptical at first, but after a heated conversation with her friends, Kara decided to seek Kellys advice, scheduling appointments, but they never worked.

Of course, everyone believed she was getting better, from what she lied about to Kelly, it seemed that she was finally out of her denial phase, out of her self loathing, her self deprication phases, but she wasnt.

Although she stopped hurting herself, after watching Alex break down when she found out, and she beginning to eat a little more, there was still this anger, this...hate, that raged inside her. The burning desire to see her again, to feel her again.

So almost every night, she would turn her phone on airplane mode, lock all her windows and doors, and drown herself in alien alcohol, hatefully hoping to knock herself out hard enough to see that dream again, to live and breathe in the world where Lena was there with her, but everytime she would wake up in the morning, this going on for months and months.

Kelly took a sharp intake, before cooly flipping her hair over her shoulder and closing the diary. "Although you seem to be making progress," the woman began, finally closing the book, making Kara shift in her seat. "What you've been writing has been neglecting that.." the spoke softly, handing the gentle book back to Kara.

Stroking her fingers across the pale blue cover, she sighed. 

_blue. Always go with blue. You know this._

Kara was trying, a much as she wasnt getting better, she tried. She tried to find the feelings for Mon-el again, but they couldnt reappear, because they were never really there, but then a sweet man named William came along, he had such a huge crush on Kara, so after their first 'date,' which was just Kara inviting him out to the alien bar with their friends one night, when he tried to kiss her, it made her feel bad as she rejected him.

She was still so in love with Lena, she wanted to hear someone say it was okay to still love her, to still be in love, but she knew what would happen.

Everytime those words were used, the affect got worse and worse, it was minor panic attacks at first, but eventually, it grew into large outbursts of emotions, as she bottled them up mostly.

She would scream so loudly, tears would _pour_ from her eyes as she gripped whatever she was holding so tightly, it would smash into tiny bits, but other then those outbursts, caused by her trigger words, which nearly everyone avoided, she was fine, at least in their eyes.

"Are you lying to me, Kara?" Kelly said softly. Next month, would mark one year without Lena, and Kara still tried to find different ways to get over Lena, but nothing would be able to top what Lena had given her. What they had.

Kara shrugged. "No.." she lied, sucking her cheek in, and with her answer, Kelly sighed deeply.

"I am you're therapist, but right now, just think of me as your sisters fiance, your soon-to-be sister-inlaw, okay?" She said, tossing her pen and paper onto a nearby table, and leaning forward, resting her hand on Karas knee, and Kara hummed a sound of acknowledgement

"I dont know everything, that uhm happened, between you two, Alex has told me snipits, but I know you cared her, its clear now when I look back, and thats okay, its still okay if you still care-" "just say it, Kelly." Kara spat, she was sick and tired of hearing everybodys sob storys. She didnt need them, she knew what was wrong, she knew what to do to get over it, she just didnt want to, she wanted to feel what she always felt when she looked at a photo of Lena, even if she'd never be able to touch her, or hear her, or smell her, or see her in person ever again.

"I know you still love her." Kelly said after a deep sigh, her face cringing in anticipation, but Kara only heaved a deep sigh, feeling sadder.

Then Kelly gave a soft smile. "I guess you are making progres..." she said blindly, looking towards the clock. "Oh, shoot. We've been here for longer than an hour. I apologize, but im going to have to look after another client but, hopefully you'll come out to the bar tonight?"

Kara sat up and faked a smile, "thank you, Kelly. I needed that." She fauxed her happiness and gratitude. "And......sure, I guess I could." She shrugged, her faking her smile bigger when she sees Kellys face light up. "Great! I'll see you tonight!" She exclaimed, but as Kara left her office, she only felt more empty, gripping at her diary in her hands tighter and tighter.

___

She was the last to enter the bar, almost an hour later. She had tried talking herself into enjoying this, but after only 45 minutes, she was already praying to go home. However, the look on her friends' faces told her to stay.. she wanted them to be happy, she would hate to worry them even more, especially Alex.

"Im going to get another drink..." Kara said softly, although no one heard her, she still dismissed herself to the bar, slowly proping herself up on the stool, she smacked the wooden surface in the certain pattern that would bring a certain bartender.

"Kara." Mon-el sneered, but he still felt bad, not about what he said, no he couldnt care less of he offended Kara, as she was under Red-K, and he assumed they both dismissed what they said, but Kara remembered everyhing she did, and she didnt regret anything. 

Which is why, when she found out about the DEO keeping a hidden stash of the substance, she stole it, and hid it in her loft, just incase, as a last resort if she truely hated her being, if the minimal food and self harming didnt bring her close.

"Just," kara held her hand up, not really caring if he was still upset at her. He was at his work, his job is to mix drinks, so he will. "Give me _the_ mix." She demanded, slaming her hand against the wooden bar, and Mon-el growled a response, but got the drink anyways, and she downed it immiedietly.

She did this a few more times, scratch that, alot of times, so much that Mon-el refused to serve her after only 5 drinks, which seemed far too early for normal alcohol, but this isnt normal booze, no.

She stumbled back to the bootb and sat there, letting the alcohol seep into her thoughts and change all her perceptions on the matter.

Although she had her friends all around her, laughing, making jokes, anf enjoying themselves, telling stories and flaunting hilarious things that had happened at work, she sill felt alone.

Scratch that again- she has never felt this alone in her life. Even if surrounded by friends and family, she hated herself being there, her mind was foggy, yes, but one thing was clear; she didnt need to be there.

She shouldnt be there. She wasnt deserving of being there.. she was still sad, still a moody asshole, she hated everything, she couldnt do anything, hell, even this bar reminded her of Lena, as they went here for many of their dates. Everywhere she went, she was miserable.

Miserable, and alone.

Fin 


End file.
